What young girl has not, at some point in her life, kept a diary? It is a special place where you can record all of the important (or unimportant) events of the day. Your diary will not laugh or ridicule you, and it is available even when no one else is.

Keeping a diary is not a trivial pastime belonging to youth. In fact, many adults turn to journal writing to chart their own personal growth.

What is written in journals is personal and not to be shared, unless it is with a partner, intimate friend or one’s therapist.

How is it, then, that some parents, who would never think of barging in on their child’s shower, think that it’s all right to read a diary or letters that may be in the child’s room? Both are serious invasions of privacy and must be regarded as such.

Parents might argue that they have the right to know what’s happening in their child’s life, but if reading a diary is the only way they have of assessing what is going on, then the focus might better be on working with a counsellor to improve communication within the family.

Generally, the damage done by undermining the child’s trust in the parent far outweighs any possible benefits that could come from undercover information gathering. And the result is often that the child will shut down even more, and increase efforts to hide aspects of his/her life from parents.

The same holds for going through drawers, wallets, and purses. The privacy of all family members should be respected, and parents should let children know early about this kind of mutual consideration.

Only in extreme situations is it legitimate to violate the privacy of another. For example, if you have a child who is extremely depressed and you are concerned about suicidal tendencies, and if after approaching the child there seems to be no way of reaching him or her, you may in desperation be led to search their room for clues as to what might be going on.

It is not appropriate, however, to search to find information about relationships in which your child may be involved — for example, to find out how seriously involved they are with a girl/boyfriend.

Trust is a major issue, and we tell our children that we need to be able to trust them. The most effective way to teach this is by being trustworthy ourselves. Trust me.

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychotherapist.