I have believed for a long time that most extended conflicts are counter productive.
Conflict may be useful in the beginning, because it points out to us that someone is unhappy with the way things are. That should be the signal to get into problem solving with a win-win orientation. However, that is not generally the way it works.
Most people are uncomfortable with conflict, and tend to get into emotional or defensive reactions. This extends the conflict, and often expands it to include other arenas of life, not just the current situ-ation.
“You forgot to take out the trash this morning,” becomes “You never help around the house,” and if the conflict continues this in turn can become “I don’t know why I married you, I’m sure I could do better!”
So what do we do if we do not agree with a charge that has been leveled at us?
Debating the point, unless all parties are incredibly patient and polite, usually creates a lot of anger and frustration.
We know there are two sides to every story, and both parties are certain that their version is the most correct. How then, do we get to peaceful resolution when we can’t even agree on the “facts.”
Well, there is a way to bypass the conflict, which allows all to remain their best selves and also focuses on solutions.
It goes like this. If your partner tells you, for example, that you are watching too much televison, and you really don’t think you are, in-stead of arguing the point, you ask yourself, “If this were true, what would the solution be?”
Well, it might be to watch less T.V., or it might be to watch less when your partner is around.
Your partner may really be telling you that he/she wants more of your attention.
Often we cannot decipher the hidden meanings, or they may even be out of the awareness of the one making the comment. If your child says, “You never play with me!” and you choke because if you played one more Sesame Street game you’ll go crazy, instead of telling the child that they are suffering from delusions, you ask yourself, “If this were true, what would the solu-tion be?”
Now, it might be playing more with the little, one, or it might be finding out what specifically you have been judged as not playing enough of.
Perhaps the message is “You don’t ever play outside with me.”
Another solution might be as simple as planning to play at times in the beginning of the day, so the child knows exactly when you will be available.
So there you have it: an effective way to move into problem solving before the conflict gets out of hand.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychotherapist.
