People often ask me why it is that so many of us are struggling with tough issues right now. It seems that almost everyone is dealing with some crisis in their life. These problems may be marital problems, difficulties with children or parents or perhaps upheaval at work.
Certainly, one response is that the world is much more complicated now than it used to be, and another response is that we are a little more open nowadays about our personal struggles than was the case in the past, and consequently more is out in the open. However, another dimension to this question that deserves closer scrutiny is the underlying assumption that life somehow should go along smoothly, and that if things go wrong, then something unnatural is occurring.
This belief can set us up for disappointment and frustration. It is a little like wanting a beautiful garden and going out to work in it, and then becoming upset if we get our hands dirty. If we feel that setbacks in life are strikes against us, we tend to become discouraged. If, on the other hand, we see difficulties as hurdles to leap over or get around, or perhaps as puzzles to solve, we then empower ourselves, and can begin to see life’s difficulties as the challenges that they really are.
Little babies will sooner or later begin teething; two-year-olds will inevitably get into everything; children will fall off of their bikes and get chickenpox; teenagers will try us in various ways; people will irritate us; loved ones will die and relationships will have their rough spots or even end. Many of these things cannot be helped, and our challenge may be to keep our spirits up and to still find joy in life.
Other difficulties that persist may be messages to us that what we are doing in some situations is not working. It is important for us to get a handle on what it is that we would like to have happen, and what is the final outcome we would like to see. Examples might be to have a more relaxed and comfortable relationship with a teenaged child or to have a more loving connection with one’s mate.
Notice here that the focus is on the desired outcome and not on the other person’s behaviour. The next step is to ask ourselves, “What can I do that will increase the likelihood of my desired outcome?” Then begin to do it. This is one of the most important ways in which we can grow.
Focusing on what is wrong in the world or with other people keeps us stuck in negativity, and does not challenge our inner resources.
The main item on the evolutionary agenda for each of us right now is learning to transform situations so that we can create the kind of relationships and experiences that we want to have in our lives. If that sounds tough, try to remember how impossible it seemed when you first tried to ride a bike. It’s shaky at first, but eventually it all comes together.
Gwen Randall-Young is an author and award-winning psychotherapist.
