THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE

My nine-year-old son George does not help with chores and I am tired of picking up after him.

I often have to nag him to do even the simplest tasks, and we both end up being very frustrated with each other. I have tried scolding him, making deals, giving him allowance, taking away his privileges — nothing has worked.

He spends most of his time in his room, playing video games and listening to rap music. He’s very musical, and likes creating rap music himself. Please let me know what we can do to communicate with him more positively so that he will listen to us.

Sylvia

Merritt   

YOUR TWO CENTS

I think one of the most effective ways to pursue positive change in a child’s behaviour is to try to explain to him that just like kids, we adults also have rules and laws to obey in our lives, or face the consequences.

Explain that children also have rules and regulations that must be followed.

Taking away his beloved activities will be an effective consequence if you consistently stick to the rules and to the consequences of breaking them.

Sam

Merritt

MAGDI SAYS

Dear Sylvia,

This must be a difficult time for you. What I have noticed as a counsellor is that when parents have a better understanding of the development of their child’s brain, they are better able to have realistic expectations and develop effective strategies that will reduce power struggles and misbehavior.

In our brain we have what is known as the Staircase of the Mind.

The downstairs brain is more primitive and often involves basic needs and instincts, such as fight of flight response and strong emotions like fear and anger.

The upstairs brain, on the other hand, hosts very important qualities, such as empathy, moral thinking, flexibility and openness, self-understanding, reflection, balancing emotions, decision making and planning.

When George refuses to help you, it’s important to ask yourself if you respond to him with negative feelings and blame for his bad behavior.

Ask yourself, “Do I think George doesn’t help me because he doesn’t care how I feel?”  or, “Do I think he is irresponsible, careless or perhaps even lazy?”

Look at his behaviour and connect to him in a different way by considering that  perhaps he is refusing to help with chores because he has had a stressful day at school.

Connecting with your child where he is, is the first step in coming out of the emotional brain approach, as these attitudes instigate the lower brain irritability and escalating emotions.

Try to calm down and stop thinking negative thoughts before you redirect your child. The child also needs to be calm in order to have a teachable moment.

When you fight with your child, the emotional brain in both of you is firing full speed and both of you want to win.

When we fight using threats and demands, we engage and enlarge our lower, downstairs brains, rather than enlarging the calming down and thinking upstairs brain.

Power and control relationships instigate the development of the lower brain.

Having empathy and compassion towards our kids will help them feel the same towards us.

The negative relationships we have with our children will shape their brains in time.

When you connect with George before you redirect his behaviour, you can help him to develop all of the positive characteristics of the Upper Brain.

As you also indicated, George likes music. Music has a great calming effect on our nervous systems. Become creative and use the possibility of the calming effect of the music. As an example, you can combine cleanup time with music and rhythm. This way you can have more fun together as well.

NEXT WEEK’S CHALLENGE

I am a fifty something old First Nations mother and grandmother.

My mother went to Residential School but I did not. Throughout my life I was traumatized so many ways that I don’t even think about it anymore. I was physically and sexually abused, and my child was taken away from me by the system. These things have happened so often, that I don’t even feel like a victim anymore.

Is it normal to always feel disconnected from everything, all the time — from people and from my community?

Bernadette

Lower Nicola

Magdi Tornyai is a clinical counsellor with a private practice, Safe Haven Holistic Counselling, in Merritt. If you have a question you would like Magdi to consider, or to write in with your two cents on a weekly challenge, write to [email protected] or [email protected]. Submissions will be kept anonymous. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of our readers.