As we hurdle headlong into the second week of 2019, I’d like to take a moment to eulogize all of the New Year’s resolutions that have already been abandoned.

New Year’s resolutions have become akin to the plans one makes with an old high school acquaintance, after running into them in the line-up of a hometown bar.

“No no, we definitely have to grab a coffee and catch up — I have so much to tell you since the last time we bumped into each other in this lineup during spring break of my freshman year. Four tequila, please.”

What makes these interactions great is that both parties know they aren’t going to follow through on making plans. Similarly, people intuitively understand that they won’t end up sticking to whatever life-altering change they pledged to undertake in the new year (a pledge likely made shortly after taking tequila shots with Johnny from third period math).

So what if you didn’t make it to the gym again this week? It was probably busy with a bunch of eager beavers anyway. Who cares if your chips were potato instead of kale last weekend? Change is hard! (But not as hard as kale chips).

As for me, I’m still going strong on my resolution to write exclusively about serious issues.

Aw crap.